


I Hope You're Doing Okay

by AndyMitchell_17



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-27 13:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20761445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyMitchell_17/pseuds/AndyMitchell_17
Summary: I made a playlist and then decided to start writing chapters for the songs. This story will be from all 3 girls point of views.Jules comes back to find Rue better than ever. She's healthy and productive not to mention sober. Lexi and Rue have developed into a little more than friends leaving Jules confused/jealous. Rue who can't stop splitting* on Jules is struggling to understand her true feelings towards the girl while balancing the new relationship she has with Lexi.*splitting refers to a bpd trait where you go from idealizing someone to completely devaluing them back and forth lol. lots of bipolar/bpd Rue in this one





	1. Chapter 1

I know that I ended it, but  
Why won't you chase after me?  
You know me better than I do  
So why didn't you stop me?

Jules had wanted to leave this town as soon as she got to it. She liked parts of it, don’t get it twisted. She liked riding her bike through the trees and how most roads led to a version of home. Honestly, this place was no better or worse than any other suburban wasteland. It was however, another example of the profound loneliness Jules privately suffered from.

You’ve probably heard it before, the old queer saying. You will have two families in your lifetime, there’s your biological family; your blood, your genes. Then you get your logical family, the people you meet in this life who make the most sense for you. After the loss of her mother who was still somewhere out in fucking space, Jules started to wonder if she’d ever have a family at all. She loved her dad and he loved her a million times more. But to be known, to be understood, to be honored and celebrated by people just like her…. What a fucking dream. She longed to find her logical family more than anything.

Which is really complicated at the moment because nearly 2 months ago she left behind the person who fits her better than anyone she’d ever known before. It’s not even about complete. Jules can’t be completed by anyone. But, fuck, they really complimented each other well. 

Rue scares her though. Not her, but like, everything she stands for. And she was pissed that she even offered to leave if she didn’t think she could do it. Shit, maybe Jules is addicted to leaving, to impulse and giving in. Hence the hook ups and knife play. So fuck yea she’d become a disappearing act, but now she was stuck wondering why Rue didn’t want to go with her.

Why would she even put her in that impossible position? 

Then suddenly she feels guilty as she rethinks her decisions leading up to this moment. The drinking, the drugs all within arms reach of her suffering baby and she thinks now, how many times had she put Rue in that spot too? Why does everything seem like such a gray area these days...

So fuck it, she left. Rue let her leave. Sometimes she regrets it, sometimes she doesn’t. Now, the weary child is on a train headed home. To her real home, the one with a pulse and that sweet soft voice. 

A buzz in her hand interrupting Mitski’s haunted vocals brought her back to earth. She swipes the chat open to a message from her dad.

Dad: I’ve been in contact with Leslie, She’s okay with you stopping by when you get here but we both agree that there should be some distance at first for both of your sakes. So no sleepovers for a little bit. 

Ok...but i get to spend the night tonight right? Like since i haven't seen her in forever

Dad: Yes i did get the okay for that as long as Rue is up for it : )

Why wouldn't she be lol did her mom say if she was mad at me? She never responded to any of my texts but i know you said something happened to her phone.

Dad: I didnt get any information like that but she made it clear she wants to see you when you get here. Sounds like a good sign to me! 

Jules chuckles to herself at her adorable dads messages. Quickly though, she flips back to the various anxieties of coming back. She doesn’t get much time to do so before her train is grinding to a halt. Her heart's racing and her chest is tight. Twirling a stray strand of purpleish hair nervously, she wonders to herself if this is how Rue feels all the time. 

She’d want some fucking pills too.

Her dad is waiting on the platform with a smile stretched across his face. Jules feels the weight on her shoulders lift a bit as she drops her bags to throw her arms around him.

“How’ve you been kiddo?” He asks, still holding her.

“That’s honestly a really big question at the moment.” They both chuckle and release the hug, “what happened to Rue’s phone?”

Her dad kinda stiffens which makes her nervous but then he speaks, “I’m not sure of the exact details, I’ll have her explain that to you. Why don’t we head over?” A little disheartened, she shrugs and they begin to walk to the car. She’s happy to see her bike on the rack attached to the trunk

“I told Leslie we were on the way, she said she’s very glad you’re back.” Jules smiles softly, a clench in her chest as she leaned her head against the window. The ride is short but it feels long. Her mind wanders back to the night of the dance. How beautiful they were, a mess of limbs on the dance floor. Rue’s hair in her face as Jules wrapped her up around the waist. Fuck, she thinks to herself as she reminisces. To this day, she still has never wanted to kiss someone so badly. 

Then she thinks of the kiss, and the running, and the leaving. The being left. Or was she the one who had left, she couldn’t remember. Only the feeling of abandonment that maybe she isn’t allowed to feel.

Suddenly, they’re pulling up to the house. Gia with her soft glowing face is waiting outside. Before her dad can even stop the car Jules has hopped out.

“Hiiii beautiful, I’ve missed you!” She shouts to the younger girl. 

“Ya know, you wouldn’t have to miss me if you had staaaayed.” Gia strikes back jokingly in a sing-songy voice. It only kinda stings; she figures they’re allowed to have their feelings too. Jules throws a lanky arm around her shoulders as Gia leads her inside, her father following behind.

“Well, hello there stranger. Long time no see. How’d the city treat you?” Leslie greets.  
“Oh it was good, new friends, new artistic endeavors, even a new me in some ways.” 

“I’m happy to hear that. Rue will be to, let me go get her for you. It’s good to see you David, I’ll get you some coffee once they’ve settled.” They both thank her and the woman disappears down the hallway.

“Rue’s been doing really well.” Gia deadpans during the silence, “Like, really well since her episode. We all want her to stay well.” Jules nods, a tiny puddle of guilt settling in her heart. She’s curious about what episode she’s referring to but assumes that information will soon come to light. Her brow furrows nervously.

Gia nudges her softly and smiles. Nobody wants Jules to feel bad, but they have to protect her best friend too. She can appreciate that.

Leslie reappears and behind her, Rue stands frozen in her bedroom door. Jules can’t help but let a smile stretch across her face to which Rue laughs and covers her face almost in disbelief. Her love doesn’t move though and she can’t bear the distance,

“There’s been a fucking hole in my heart the size of you forever now.” Within seconds, she’s cleared the space between them and scooped Rue up into a tight embrace. The shorter girl laughs and buries her face into her best friends neck. “There, it’s much better now.” Jules whispers into her ear.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think it's about time that I warned you I might cry in front of you  
and I don't want you to feel like I'm afraid of the truth  
I didn't want you to feel like it was all your fault  
but that doesn't mean that I wanted you to feel nothing at all!

Rue had been fucking fantastic. No clue how she managed to pull through her favorite person literally leaving her at a train station to disappear into the night on top of the little relapse that then led to a SMALL overdose. BUT... she had. I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck is a small overdose. It’s simple really, I mean, Rue only had 2 pills left, just a lil something for the edge. However, she’d forgotten about how the mixture of her new medications with her extracurriculars might lead to…

“Oh… Fuck.” She arched up and forward in an exorcist like manner before spewing all over her floor. Dizzily, she slipped out of her shirt as her head spun. Stumbling towards the bathroom she shoved fingers down her throat until she’d puked everything out of her stomach. Once watery nothingness was left of her guts she figured she was in the clear.

Wiping her mouth, the curly haired addict looked around at the mess she’d made and began to laugh. This caused her head to spin a bit more and she leaned back against the wall, taking in slow deep breaths.  
When the dizziness passed, Rue pulls herself up slowly. Gazing into the mirror, someone looks back that was just like her only better. 

They were smiling and it was real. No pain in the eyes, no dark circles. Just something whole and happy. She holds their gaze a moment longer, savoring their sweet unharmed smile before gulping down water from the faucet.

When she lifted her head back up, the other Rue was gone, replaced with her reflection. It’s not easy to explain, but something clicked like never before. She vowed to find them and bring them home. Bring herself home. 

Rue stumles her way to her room, head still fuzzy, legs heavy. She ends up texting Lexi uh help when she realizes she can’t keep herself awake. She didn’t even get to explain more than that but somehow, even still a bit tipsy from the dance, her childhood friend had decoded the message and made her way into the house. 

When Rue comes to, all signs of vomit have been eradicated and she is snuggled up in Lexi’s arms.

“Are you okay?” Lexi whispers once Rue stirred herself awake. It’s still dark out, she wondered if her family had come home yet, if they’d noticed anything unusual. 

“Yea. Thank you for coming.” She felt weirdly safe in Lexi’s arms and wondered why they’d never really held each other before.

“Rue,” The innocent teen lifted her friends face to meet her eyes, “Are you sure you’re okay?”  
The familiar words ring inside her. Rue stops to check in with herself (a therapy trick.) How she feels, who she’s with, who she’s not with. She reflects on how often she’d been here and how many times Lexi had come to her rescue. 

She thinks about the other Rue she saw that day and what that could mean. So Rue pushed her forehead against Lexi’s and said, “Yes, I really am this time.”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
1 month later, 3 weeks, and a day later.

Rue is frozen in her door frame. Ahead of her stands the girl with the ability to send her crumbling into nothingness over and over again. That wouldn’t happen this time though. Rue had done the work. No one would ever complete or incomplete her again, of that she was sure.

But god damn if she didn’t look beautiful as ever with long hair tinted purple instead of pink. Her outfits an animated as ever but still so perfectly planned. Then she smiles...she’s looking right at her and she’s fucking beaming. She can’t help but send one back. Jules was still her best friend after all. She buries her face in her hands so she can’t see the inevitable redness blossoming across her cheeks. Rue lifts her head again and Jules is headed straight for her ready to consume her entirely.

“There’s been a fucking hole in my heart the size of you forever now.”

Wrapped up in her arms, face tucked softly in the other girls neck; Rue is talking her stomach out of backflips. “There, it’s much better now.” The ever so slightly taller girl whispers. They pull away from each other and Rue looks past the drug in front of her to wave at David.

“Heyo, good to see you.” she calls. David waves back, chuckling over the happy reunion before Leslie calls him to the kitchen. Gia follows but not before pointing a finger at the two teens and stating, “Door stays open, you hear me?”

Rue rolls her eyes but laughs and Jules fakes like she’s closing the door behind her. 

Without an audience they look each other over for a second. “Wow,” Jules breathes out dreamily, “You look beautiful.”

“So do you.” 

“I heard you’ve been doing really well, you have no idea how happy that makes me.”

Rue releases to jump on her bed and motions for Jules to join. She sprawls out next to her best friend before Rue continues, “Yea, I’ve been investing my time in hobbies lately. Ones that don’t involve copious amounts of pain pills… I’ve been writing a lot, poems and things.” she adds the last part somewhat nervously.

“Rue Bennett the poet?” Jules quirks an eyebrow, clearly intrigued, “I’d be honored to read some when you’re ready.”

“I’m sure you will. Eventually. Right now only Lexi and Fez really get to see them due to the horrifically embarrassing content. Plus poetry is like...so fucking lame. But I’m kinda good at it. I’ve even performed at a couple open mics here and there.”

“Rue, that’s fucking amazing! Poetry isn’t lame, you can do so much with that. Writing is a beautiful thing… so are you.” Jules adds.

Rue wrinkles up her nose and laughs, “You’re corny.” 

“Oooh but you love elote!” Jules shoots back causing Rue to giggle, “Speaking of we should go grab some, I passed a new little taco truck on my way here. It’s my treat.” the purple haired girl sits up excitedly.

Rue is looking at the woman in front of her, studying her face. She doesn’t look the same but it’s her, ya know? Her nose looks different or maybe it's her eyes? No, her smile she thinks… her smile is different. But it’s none of those things and she can’t put her finger on the feeling in her chest. Hollow, stagnant. 

Clearly, she’d been staring for too long because Jules misreads the sign and cups her face. Slowly she leans in but Rue simply leans her forehead against hers, dodging the kiss completely.

“Uh, let me just tell my mom then, yea, yea like, I’m totally down. Lexi will wanna see you too so we can stop by hers on the way.” the words rush out as she pulls away and speed walks to the kitchen, leaving a confused, slightly bruised Jules to follow behind. 

“Hey, Jules and I wanna go grab elote, that cool?” Leslie nods and Rue turns to Gia, “Come with.”  
Gia begins to questions but Rue widens her eyes. The younger sister takes the hint and follows the older girls out.

Lexi texts Rue that she’s at the library but will meet up with them soon so they bike straight to the taco truck. It feels effortless, as if no time had passed at all. The three girls fuck around the whole ride, making jokes, spilling tea, but everytime Rue catches Jules eye she can feel her questioning her.

Fuck, she hated her ability to feel other people’s emotions. The slightest change in someone's mood can affect her whole day. Things are different now thought, she tells herself, it's not my responsibility okay... okay, sometimes it's sympathy over empathy; sympathy over empathy.

“So, how was the city? Did you find what you were looking for?” Rue says wiping cheese and chile off her mouth. 

She watches Jules mull it over, “Yes and No. I think...I think I found that what I’m looking for is bigger than a destination. It’s like beyond that. Like, nothing is linear and I can constantly strive for the next big thing, does that make sense?”

“Yea, actually I kinda found that out too.” Rue responds.

Gia, never to be a third wheel, adds, “I found out that teenage boys are trash.” 

“I could’ve told you that.”

“I DID tell you that.” Her big sister mocks lovingly, “Teenage love leaves much to be desired. My advice is to wait until you’re a fully formed person.” Jules eyes her but Gia continues.

“Interesting coming from someone with a girlfriend.” To that Jules widens her eyes and stares at Rue a second before shaking it off. Gia must’ve caught the vibe because she apologizes a couple times before her sister cuts in calmly, “It’s cool, we’re not really dating anyways. Not exactly at least. I’ll tell you more about it later.” She aims the last part directly at her best friend.

Jules just nods, “Yea, cool.”

“Its no biggy really, besides aren’t you with Anna?”

“What? No, that… wasn’t what I thought it was, she’s cool and all she’s just not… she’s just not the person I wanted.” Jules tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear and looks off, attempting to be casual.

“Let’s table this conversation, it’s honestly not that serious.”

“Yea but maybe a small heads up right about now would be good.” Gia adds before motioning behind her sibling. Rue isn’t quick enough to spin around before she hears the sweet, inviting voice of her oldest friend.

“Jules! I’m so happy to see you, you look great.” Lexi pulls Jules in for a hug to which she accepts. Something on her face tells Rue she’s trying to piece everything together but before she can solve the equation on her own, Lexi turns to Rue, “Hey love, how was your day?” before pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Good, I actually submitted to one of those contests you sent me.”

“What? That’s so exciting.! You’re gonna win for sure, I’m sure. Jules, you have to hear some of Rue’s stuff. It’s insane.”

Jules shoots Lexi a pained smile, “I heard, I’m just waiting on my invitation.”

“Rue, she should come with us to the open mic on Thursday, right?” Rue tries to subtly shake her head but fails causing Gia to laugh and Jules to appear all the more frustrated.

“No, it’s cool. I have this thing with my dad that day anyways.” Attempting to hide her hurt feelings, Jules begins scrolling through her phone.

“It’s not that I don’t want you there, like it’s not a you thing. I’m just sort of embarrassed and not very good yet and-”

“I said it’s cool,” Jules interjects, “it’s not that serious, just let me know when you’re ready.”

The tension between the two is so thick it’s painful. Gia and Lexi exchange glances but neither has a solution. Not at all casually, Gia announces she’s going to a friend’s and takes off. Lexi slides into the empty seat beside Rue and continues with small talk.

Rue isn’t in the mood to entertain Jules, a feeling she isn’t used to that catches her a bit off guard while simultaneously relieves her. She focuses on Lexi and the dorky way she tells her stories. Never too cool, never too glamorous. It’s easy being with her, no doubts or aches over what might be.

No, she doesn’t yearn for her the way she did Jules. Doesn’t catch on fire when they kiss but she does like her. She does make her happy. That’s good, right? 

“Anyways, that’s why I can’t volunteer at the animal shelter anymore, it’s just too much for my heart to bear.” Her not girlfriend/girlfriend states with a sigh, ending her little tale.

“Yea, I can see your mom banning you after that. I’m not sure I’d be super ecstatic to walk into a house full of various disabled animals without any warning.” Rue replies with a smile.

“I just felt so bad, they were gonna kill them!”

“You’re such a fucking softie.” Rue replies and leans in to kiss her cheek before remembering their present company. Before she can correct, Jules pounces.

“Okay so are you guys a thing now?”

“Whats a thing? I don’t know what a thing is.” Rue deadpans somewhat agitated. Like who does she think she is to dip off and then be surprised that life kept going in her absence. 

Jules rolls her eyes, “You’re dating.” Not a question, a statement, an observation.

Rue shrugs but Lexi interjects, “We’re still figuring things out...but we enjoy each others company and well, I’m not talking to anyone else.”

The statement makes Rue’s stomach turn over a bit in both good and bad ways but she can’t help the smile forming across her face, “Yea, me neither.”

“Word, okay.” Jules hops up attempting to not appear upset but fails as she chucks her empty cob into a nearby can. She grabs her bike and shouts over her shoulder, “I have some people I want to see now that I’m back, I’ll catch up with you later Rue.”

Immediately, Rue stands to walk after her, “I thought you were gonna stay over?”

“Doesn’t seem like a good night, I’ll text you.”

“Don’t have a phone.”

“Yea what’s that about?”

“Guess you’d have to talk to me to find out.” Rue responds as she crosses her arms.

“Hard to do that when you don’t have a phone.”

“You’re being such a fucking baby right now,” Rue moves closer to the girl on the bike. She’s whispering but her voice is stern, “after all the times I’ve sat around listening to talk about your flavor of the week, playing your little back and forth games before you fucked off to the city. Now, I’m the one suddenly being punished?”

She can tell Jules wants to cry but she doesn’t. A small voice from behind says, “Maybe I’m the one who should go.”

“NO.” Both girls shout at Lexi.

Silence falls as the two troubled friends stare each other down. Neither makes a move, theres is simultaneously too much and too little to say.

A minute passes, it feels like 30. Jules is the first to speak.

“I thought you said you’d never hate me?” Her voice is small and Rue is shocked by how it doesn’t hurt.

“I don’t hate you… I just. I dunno, I just kind of don’t care.” And she means it, they all know it. Which only makes everyone uncomfortable, “You left, I stayed. Life went on.”

Jules nods slowly, taking in every word before silently pushing off in the opposite direction of her home. For once, Rue doesn’t feel like following. She turns back to face Lexi but finds no comfort.

“Rue, I know you’re upset-”

“I’m really not.”

“Okay, that’s fine. But you guys are really, really good friends. I think you could be a little softer don’t you?” Lexi cups her girlfriends face, “I don’t want you pretending to be okay and falling apart later. Remember to check in, I don’t think you’re ready to feel everything you’re really feeling.”

This seems super weird. Hearing the person she’s talking to tell her to make up with the girl who broke her heart? Weird as fuck. 

“I mean, she came back right?” Lexi adds.

“You don’t care that I used to be, like, obsessed with her or whatever?”

“No, I mean, maybe I’m a little nervous,” Lexi chuckles, “but if you really want me then you’ll still want me tomorrow. You deserve to have your best friend and so does she.”

Lexi is probably right which slightly agitates the other girl. She holds her gaze, taking in every bit of sympathy the other girl has to offer and sighs.

“Can I borrow your phone?”


	2. i was made to love her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Added Lexi's POV for this one.
> 
> Unresolved trauma, inappropriate coping, appropriate coping(?), and lil kisses

I thought that I was dreaming when you said you love me  
The start of nothing  
I had no chance to prepare  
I couldn't see you coming  
The start of nothing  
I could hate you now  
It's quite alright to hate me now  
When we both know that deep down  
The feeling still deep down  
is good

Okay, now she can cry and she fucking is. She can’t help it. What the fuck just happened? Jules is pedaling so fast that the pedals are doing that super annoying thing where they sort of skip then stop working or whatever but she can’t stop. She can’t tell if she’s mad or sad but she doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter.

Now she's thinking about her mom and how anyone that can’t have her the way they want to just suddenly leaves her behind. She’s still pedaling and her legs ache, her lungs burn, her eyes are so bleary she can’t fucking see and then-

CRASH

Right into a small dirt ditch she never saw coming. It feels exactly like Rue and she starts to cry harder, not even realizing her head is bleeding. What the fucking fuck god fucking what the FUCK.

Now she feels guilty because holy shit if this is even half of what she put Rue through she owes her so much more than an apology which is now only making her feel worse because maybe she isn’t even allowed to be so heartbroken right now but fuck fuck fuck she is!

She cries in the ditch until she can’t cry anymore. Then she just lies there, suddenly feeling the ache in her head, her palms, her skinned knees. Her pocket buzzes and she reaches into her skirt for her phone.

Lexi: It’s Rue sorry for being a dick can we please talk? 

Whats there to talk about?

Lexi: Just meet me at my house please.

Her limbs hurt but not as much as her heart. She feels stupid and petty but she missed her best friend so much the thought of another night apart was almost too much.

Lexi: Jules pleeeeeease :(

She already knew she was going to she just kinda wanted to play the game a bit longer. She didn’t know why she did that, just that she always has. The injured girl picks up her bike and pockets her phone just to drag this out. As she walks towards the others house, her phone buzzes again.

Lexi: Okay well lmk if you wanna see me anytime soon i’ll be at lexi’s tn.

“Fuck.” she mutters under her breath. Obviously she didn’t really want Rue going over to her little lovers house even though she knows they probably have sleepovers often. Ew... she was so not the jealous type. It’s really not about that. The other issue was that she didn't wanna give in and let her win. Why does she always feel like it’s win or lose? Maybe things aren’t supposed to be like that in love, maybe they’re both supposed to win.

I’ll come over sorry i was on my bike

Lexi: Its cool ill see you soon 

Heading back she pedals slower this time having used all her energy on speeding and crying. Plus her body fucking ached but she wondered if maybe Rue would pity her enough to rock her to sleep. The thought makes her pedal a bit faster. 

Her mind is racing. How does a love like theirs disappear like that? Yea, she gets it, she left but not without pain! Not without her girls voice stuck on repeat in her dreams so how did Rue just shut it off? And can she show Jules how its done?

Within 15 minutes she’s approaching the house. Making it appear effortlessly (despite the pain literally everywhere) she hops off her bike then lets it crash to the ground. Rue opens the door before she even knocks.

“What happened to your fucking head? You look like you got jumped...did someone jump you?” her love questions.

“No, I was being dumb on my bike.”

Rue scrunches up her face in concern and takes her hand. It makes her kinda happy to see her worry, perhaps she still has something left for her yet. They make their way to the bathroom where Rue whips out the first aid kit. Jules winces when she cleans the wounds with rubbing alcohol. The other girls refuses to let her pull away despite her many attempts, “They could get infected, this head gash is gross.”

“It stings though,” Jules pouts, “Haven’t you hurt me enough today?” Rue pulls away at the comment and Jules reaches for her, “Wait, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being like that. I just- I just feel weird.”

Rue sighs. Jules can’t read her anymore, can’t understand what's running through her head at all. As if on cue Rue tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “Why exactly did you come back?” she partially whispers. The questions catches her off guard even if it shouldn't.

“You know why.” Jules replies in her nervous, playful tone.

“Then you shouldn’t have left.” 

“But I did... You should’ve come with.”

“Yea but I didn’t.” Fuck, Jules thinks. 

She wants to cry so bad it hurts. Carefully, as if she’ll scare her, she lifts Rue’s head so she can look into her eyes, “Rue, I’m so sorry. You know I'm sorry. Please don’t shut me out.” 

The other girl simply sighs again before pressing a soft kiss into her friend’s bloody palm. 

“Well, that should work for now. It's the best I can do.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't get you off my mind  
I can't get you off in general  
So here we are, we're just two losers  
I want you and you want something more beautiful

Lexi can’t stop pacing. Cassie watches her like a tennis match as she bops from one side of their bedroom to the other. 

“Rue stuff?”

The younger sister freezes a second, “What made you guess?”

Cassie laughs which makes Lexi pout and fall face first on her bed.

“It’s all over instagram, Jules was spamming her story like all day about coming back.” Silently, Lexi thanks whatever God is still listening that Rue doesn’t have a phone.

“Do you think Rue is going back to her? She seemed super cold and distant today but I talked her into trying to work things out… like friendship wise.” Lexi adds.

Cassie thinks it over, trying to answer the way her sister would, “You never know what someone will do but I feel like what you two share is real. I’m hoping Rue realizes that and doesn’t chase the short lived high she might get from Jules.”

“That...was really sweet Cassie. Thank you.” Her older sister shrugs nonchalantly and goes back to scrolling through her phone. Lexi rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling.

She knows she told Rue to go but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still insecure about it all. All she knew was that she wanted to be a supportive, understanding partner ...which really sucked sometimes. The type of toxic love Rue and Jules had is addicting. Even though her girlfriend had been doing beyond well, it had only been a couple months and Jules had the power to destroy all of that.

She wondered what her power was. If she had any at all.

Her mind wanders over the past months. They’ve gone about this in all the right ways or at least Lexi thinks she has. Google had been her best friend as she searches and scopes for answers on loving a mentally ill addict with romantic trauma. The advice worked thus far, Rue hadn’t been as hot and cold. They haven’t even fought since they started softly dating.

Rue doesn’t say they’re dating. However, she claims her in other ways. Kissing her in public, letting their fingers intertwine, taking her to movies they spend little time watching. But she can’t get something out of her head. A comment thrown angrily at her way before her girlfriend had known how she felt about her. Something stupid, about how they didn’t have anything in common and they were only friends due to loyalty/time.

Lexi was painfully loyal. That should count for something right? 

“Oh no, Cass,” Lexi shoots up, “what if I’m Rue and Rue is Jules and this is just a stupid little dance of pain where no one wins and everything just like, hurts?”

Her sister puts her phone down, clearly able to see the panic becoming too much. Cassie sighs and walks over to the younger one’s bed and puts an arm around her.

“I don’t have any of those answers Lex. It might hurt, it might not. I’ve dated enough shitty people to say that more than likely… it will.” She watches her sister’s face fall and continues, “BUT, and it’s a big but… like mine,” Lexi rolls her eyes but laughs through the bleariness, “It could also be really beautiful. Some people are worth taking the chance on. Do you think Rue is?”

Lexi pauses to process the question. She thinks of kissing lessons and solving mysteries. How easy it is to spout off all her stupid little thoughts because Rue listens. The one person she can be authentic with. Her home personified.

“Yea,” her voice breaks, “Yea, she really is.”

Her older sister nods as if everything has been answered before retreating to her bed once more. Lexi lies back again. The insecurity creeps up over and over but she’s been in and out of therapy for years. All she has to do is fight off the thoughts with more rational ones.

Rue is cheating on you = Rue is working through complicated feelings for someone who helped her during a very difficult time.

Rue loves Jules more than you = Rue has an addiction to the highs and lows her romantic relationship with Jules causes.

Rue and Jules are fucking right now = They’re just having a sleepover to discuss the remains of their friendship.

Rue and Jules are fucking right now = They haven’t seen each other in awhile

Rue and Jules are fucking right now = … They’re ...

Rue and Jules are fucking right now = Rue and Jules are fucking. right. now.

Lexi practically leaps to her feet, “Cassie. Don’t wait up for me.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.” She shouts back but her sister is out the door and headed on her little mission.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've worked for so long  
Just to see you mess around  
What you've done, what you've done, what you've done  
I want back the years that you took  
When I was young  
I was young, I was young  
But it's done  
Oh, take it all away  
I don't feel it anymore

The two girls make their way to Rue’s room. Jules looks like she’s in pain so Rue finds some tylenol in a desk drawer. She hands her 2 then a water. Climbing into the empty space next to the other girl on the bed, she turns onto her side; a mirror image of the first night they met. Rue wants to feel something so bad but she doesn’t. She’s just looking over the other girl trying to find the features that used to send her spiraling.

“Smile,” She whispers to Jules, “I’m trying to see something.”

But Jules doesn’t. Or she can’t. Her eyes are wet but she’s not crying. As if it’s all she can do, she turns her head to the ceiling and closes her eyes. With her long slender finger, Rue traces the length of the other girls nose. For some reason she wants to call her ugly. Or she wants her to feel ugly. 

That’s so fucked, Rue thinks to herself.

“Jules-”

“Please don’t.” The anime loving, bright eyed, mischievous smile turned never-ending scowl girl begs back, “You don’t feel it anymore… I know I just-” Her breath catches and she turns on her side, “I don't wanna hear it. I'm not ready.”

The curly haired girl attempts to comfort Jules with a hand placed softly on her back, rubbing ever so small circles. Rue notices the lack of spark as she does and it makes her feel empty; she wonders if she will ever feel anything so intense again. The curse of an addict, the eternal chase after the things that destroy you.

Fuck, she wishes Lexi were here right now. Not even for her sake. Lex is much better at comforting people. 

As if summoned, they hear a tiny polite knock against the bedroom window. Both girls sit up confused. I mean, they’re both here and no one else really uses the window…

“Is that Lexi?” Jules says surprised but oddly amused.

“Huh, it really fucking is isn’t it.” They stare for a second in happy disbelief which makes Lexi squirm. Rue notices and moves quickly to let her in, “I have a door ya know.” She deadpans.

“Shut up,” Her … lover… says, “I felt insecure. Like about you two being here. Alone.”

Rue nods, “That’s valid. Thank you for telling me. Nothing has happened, nothing to worry about.” She finds it kinda cute that her crush was jealous but also genuinely didn’t want her to feel bad. She knew that feeling too well, wouldn't wish it on anyone.

The girl planted in the bed watches the interaction curiously. How smoothly they explained and accepted each others feelings. She wonders if it can always be that simple. 

“Well... do you wanna come in?” Jules offers. The other two girls look back then at each other before Rue outstretches her hand to help the other through.

“Sorry for being like that. I shouldn’t have interrupted.” 

“You have no reason to apologize.” Rue responds and presses a tender kiss to Lexi’s temple. Jules only feels a small sting but also finds the affection adorable.

“Well, now that it's a party...let’s make brownies and watch movies?” Jules throws out. 

“We all know my mom has nothing we want to eat in the house. I’d suggest a trip to the store but Jules here is pretty damaged.” Lexi’s eyes go wide clearly having not noticed sooner and both of the girls smirk. Rue can’t help but find her cute. She thinks by the way Jules is staring in amusement that maybe she agrees.

“Oh my god Jules, your head!” The short brunette rushes over to the lanky girl still settled in Rue’s bed, “Have you cleaned this? it could get infected.”  
“Way ahead of you.” Rue interjects.

“Yea, trust me, Dr. Bennett doused me with rubbing alcohol. I think she’s a sadist.” Lexi laughs and the other girls both secretly swoon.

“Well, I’m glad to hear it. You need to be more careful,” She halfheartedly scolds while finishing inspecting the wound, “Looks okay for now… Now, as far as food goes, we can always order something?”

Roughly 30 minutes later, they’ve all crammed into Rue’s bed with two pizzas, a brownie cake, and a 2 liter surrounding them. Rue can’t stop laughing, not at the shitty movie they threw on, but at her two best friends in a semi heated debate over the best Studio Ghibli movie. Whatever the fuck that is.

“PRINCESS MONONOKE IS IMMEASURABLE. INCOMPARABLE. A MASTERPIECE BEYOND ARTISTIC LIMITS!” Lexi is on her knees, animatedly expressing her view. Jules is lying on her side, propping her head up with one hand and shaking her head.

“You literally cannot change my mind. Grave of the Fireflies is the best and that’s that. You can keep trying but I’ll never think otherwise.”

“You just think that because it’s all dark and macabre!” 

Rue interjects, “Oh shit, I get it now, we’re talking about the guy who made the movie about the fish baby right?”

Her girls- well, uh her friends shoot looks that could kill, “PONYO?” and she unravels. Laughing uncontrollably, Rue nearly knocks everything including the other girls off the bed. Jules pounces on Rue while also managing to save Lexi from slipping off.

They nearly dog pile on the curly haired maniac which only makes her laugh harder. She doesn’t realize what it’s doing to the others but simultaneously they pepper her cheeks with kisses. No one is jealous or at least no one appears to be and Rue is living for the attention. 

She’s on fire again and she wonders what the fuck any of this means.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart  
Baby, bang it up inside  
I'm not wearing my usual lipstick  
I thought maybe we would kiss tonight

Jules is so beyond confused it isn’t even funny. Earlier that day, she was heartbroken over the idea that Rue could be in love with Lexi. Now, she’s trying to decide which one she finds cuter. Does she have to pick one? Rue with her soft, cool demeanor. Lexi with her bubbly innocence. FUCK. This is weird. 

They’re talking about Ghibli, or at least she is. Lexi is in full debate mode. She doesn’t mind at all, honestly she’s surprised she’s cultured enough to have seen anything more than Ponyo. Not at all surprised to find out that’s the only one Rue’s seen. 

Then suddenly Rue’s laughing, Lexi’s falling, Jules is pulling them all into a rather aggressive group hug and there are kisses being pressed into their favorite girls cheeks. Rue returns the favor.

Nothing feels weird, nothing feels empty. They stop wrestling and just lie there on top of one another, not knowing where one begins or the other ends. There are hearts racing, she can hear them. It sounds like a symphony. Rue is running fingers through her hair. Lexi has one hand on Rue’s thigh, the other thrown across Jules. They just lie there in silence until they’ve all caught their breath. 

Maybe this is just what it's like to have really close female friends. This is probably what Maddy, Kat, and Cassie feel like. At least, this is what she tells herself because anything else is way too complicated for her first night back. A couple hours ago Rue was the only thing on her mind and she would barely even look at her. Now she's cuddled up with her and her girlfriend. How does that even happen? 

Jules has always thought Lexi was sweet though. They had fun at the skating rink, it's never been awkward. Besides, who cares! In the city, everyone is polyamorous and she's always been ahead of the curve. Maybe... nah. 

Too much to process, she'll get back to it.

“So… do you guys, maybe, wanna smoooke?” Lexi asks bashfully.

“Yes please, I didn’t smoke all day, not even a bowl.” Rue replies. Jules is beyond dumbfounded. Even a bit angry.

“Rue what the fuck, I thought you were sober,” She scolds before turning to question Lexi, “And since when do you smoke? WHY are you smoking with her?” 

“Jules, chill”

“No, it’s okay. She doesn’t know.” Lexi says calmly, “I read a lot about how marijuana helps addicts cope. Rue hasn’t touched an opiate since… well since the last little thing,” she stumbles through that part of the story knowing it’s not hers to tell, “She smoke three times a day usually together though it makes me too giggly. That’s all, promise!”

“It helps in a lot of ways. Mornings are hard, the pills made me zombie through em anyways. Now, I get that little high without ya know, the complete numbness to life. Helps me eat too, I’ve gained like 10 pounds. Plus, sleep.” Rue explains nonchalantly. 

“Yea but like, it’s still getting you high.” 

“Well, yea but nothing like I was before. I still function, I still feel.” Rue brushes her own hair back with her fingers, “The pills were an avoidant tactic. Now, I could be fried to shit and still remember where I’m at, who I’m with. It helps.” 

Jules can’t argue, it sounds like they’ve got it under control. Plus, she really wanted to smoke too. 

Watching Rue roll a blunt was stupid sexy. Her lips pull the wrap into place, pearling it to perfection. Lexi notices too because her eyes are glued on the curly haired stoner. “Fez taught me how to roll right. I was okay before like, c’mon now, but he put me onto another level.” 

Jules rolls her eyes but smiles lovingly, “Yea okay, Cheech, just make it smokeable.”

“Oh, it’ll smoke. Trust me, you won’t even know what to do with it.”

“She don’t want no smoke!” Lexi throws in to make them both laugh. Rue seals the blunt and they make their way out the window.

“Leslie knows but she doesn’t like it in the house.” Lexi tells Jules.

They sit in a circle for no real reason and pass the L around. Each one holding the smoke in then watching it float above their heads. Rue stunts for the hell of it, blowing O’s and french inhaling. Lexi coughs on every hit.

“I love weed!” she exclaims to which Rue and Jules share a look before laughing. They agree though. Jules continues watching them, Lexi has her legs across the stoner. Rue’s giving her that lazy smile while her girl talks about how loose she feels. 

“I have an idea,” Jules states once the blunt makes it way back to her, “Let’s see if we can do this, it’ll take teamwork.” she pauses for dramatic effect, “We’re gonna shotgun this all the way around.”

“Wait, what’s shotgunning?” Lexi points the question at Rue.

“We did it the first time we smoked, basically Jules is gonna inhale then blow the smoke into one of our mouths. Then we’ll inhale and try to pass it on… J baby, you’ll need to take a big hit. Don’t choke.” Rue jests.

“Never have before,” The blonde adds before pulling her hit. She leans forward and cups Rue’s face with one hand. Their lips slightly brush and it takes everything in her not to greedily pull her in. There is a rush of electricity that makes her fingers tingle.

Now Rue has the hit. Lexi leans forward with a shy smile though her eyes are anything but. She drags the smoke from her girlfriends lips and steals a kiss on the way out, making them both laugh. Magically, she holds the smoke and turns to face Jules.

This time she looks nervous. Excited, too. They both lean forward slowly. The shorter girl puts one hand on the others thigh before adding a soft finger under her chin. Ever so slowly, Lexi blows the smoke into her mouth. Neither one pulls away. Letting the smoke settle in the older girls mouth, they let the feeling of their skin against each others settle too. 

The brunette pulls away first, clearly embarrassed. Jules laughs and blows the remaining smoke (a surprisingly full hit) towards Rue who is sitting in a trance like state.

“Wow,” Rue breathes out, “That was. Kinda hot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I still havent decided who's endgame. Maybe it's all 3 of them idk I'm a greedy thot myself so :/ I just figured a little throuple fluff would be cool for a second but more angst is to come lol  
also sorry the formatting is weird I'm still trying to figure out how to keep it looking clean when I transfer it over from my drive. hopefully its not too bad.
> 
> songs are "Ivy" frank ocean, "Boyish" Japanese Breakfast, "I dont feel it anymore" William Fitzsimmons, and "Washing machine heart" Mitski.  
gonna be a mitski heavy fic sorry.
> 
> Thanks for your comments, I love em!

**Author's Note:**

> Songs are "Why didn't you stop me" Mitski and "Death Cup" Mom Jeans


End file.
